Aussie Playroom in Scotland (Letter to the Care Package Fairy)

Subject: Aussie Playroom in Scotland

Dear Care Package Fairy,

As much as we love living in Scotland, we still miss some foods and activities we could do when living Down Under. Thank you for answering our previous letter. We received an awesome care package.

We thought it would be cool if you could help us create an Aussie Playroom in Scotland. A little place that gives us a taste of Australia in Scotland. A place that will let us do the things we miss (with a few modifications).

Aussie Playroom Activities

Have a barbie (BBQ) – in the arvo (afternoon), so we can sizzle our snags (sausages) and our hoppy (kangaroo) steaks. Leave out the blowies (flies), wasps and smoke.
Walk barefoot – because wearing socks all the time makes our feet soft.
Sleep naked – without wearing 10kgs of bed covers or trying to sleep through the hum of the air-con.
Swim in an open-air pool in our boardies (swim-wear) or budgie-smugglers (dick-togs) – without needing to wear SPF50+ sunscreen or a boiler suit.
Feel the gentle morning sun on our faces – like it is before 7 am and no hotter than 25C.
Feel some gentle sea breezes – max 5 Knots to avoid the dreadlocks.
Motorcycling – without the black ice and 18 or 22-wheeler semi-trailers (lorries).
Celebrate – Australia Day, ANZAC Day, the Melbourne Cup, Family Day and the other 7 public holidays (bank holidays).
Watch the cricket – we’ll even hide the sand-paper.
Watch an Aussie flick (movie) – Priscilla Queen of the Desert or Mad Max will do fine.
Visit the drive-thru Bottle-O – to grab a slab of coldies (beer) for the esky (cooler) without getting out of the car. They call it an Off-Licence here, but you must walk in to get your grog (booze). Would you mind throwing in some stubbie holders (beer coolers), please?
Listen to the birds – throw in some Kookas (Kookaburras) and Maggies (Magpies), but not during the breeding season (they attack for no good reason). We’d also like a Lyrebird, some Cockies (Cockatoos), Parrots and Pelicans. You can keep the Plovers and Cicadas.
You’d better add a Gum Tree or two. And an old rocking chair so we can watch the drop-bears (koalas).

Australian bird Rosella bottlebrush tree — Aussie Playroom: Australian Rainbow Lorikeet in a Bottle Brush tree

P.S. We DON’T need any of these

Sharks – unless they’re deep-fried in beer batter with a side of chips.
Crocodiles – unless served with a nice side salad or as a handbag that will fit my iPad.
Blue-box jellyfish or blue bottles – and none of that beer with the F that comes in brown bottles.
Sting-rays or poisonous Platypus – you gotta watch those blokes (males) with the spurred hoof (foot).
Hendra virus-carrying fruit bats – they’re noisy bastards anyway.
Attack-mode birds – no mating Maggies, protective Plovers, crazy Cassowaries or dim-witted Emus will be accepted.
Stinging ants – no green, fire, bull or jumping-jack types. And no stink-bugs either.
Blood-sucking, disease-carrying, biting, flying insects – no Horse-flies (Clegs), wasps, hornets, sand-flies or Ross River Fever-carrying mozzies (mosquitoes). And no leeches or ticks. They can all GTF.
Snakes – no black, red, brown or yellow-bellied, flying or falling legless reptiles allowed. Geckos will be accepted.
Full-metal-jacketed, red-backed, white-tailed, baby-carrying spiders are not here to F spiders.
Mutated, nuclear-proof cockroaches – we don’t need distractions while watching the cricket.
Sea lice or head lice.
Deadly Stone-Fish or destructive Star-Fish (Crown of Thorns) – who invited them anyway?
Wart-covered, tyre-marked, venom-spitting Cane Toads – unless you throw in a golf club.
Bunyips or the Kadaitcha Man – we’re still learning to deal with the wild 3-legged Haggis.